Am I Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic Abuse has become such a buzzword, not just in the mental health world, but in everyday jargon. I’m sure you’ve heard the term plenty of times as people refer to troubled relationships with significant others or even as people gossip about people they consider to be “such a Narcissist”. Maybe you’ve wondered if what you experience with someone is Narcissistic abuse or if you’re totally off-base. Let’s take a closer look at these tendencies and how they show up in relationships. 

Disclaimer: this is, by no means, an exhaustive list of Narcissistic traits. I’m giving a general overview of what it can feel like being in a relationship where there are Narcissistic tendencies at play.

What Makes a Narcissist?

For starters, not everyone who exhibits Narcissistic behaviors in relationship is a “Narcissist”. Not only do we all have these tendencies to some degree (being self-absorbed, vain, feeling competitive, etc.), but I’ve seen some of the darker aspects of Narcissism periodically show up as defense mechanisms in most people. Note the term “defense mechanism” because that’s exactly what these tendencies are. They are an unconscious attempt to protect oneself from feeling abandoned and rejected. If you’ve ever noticed yourself secretly relishing in feeling superior to someone else, this is one such example. Don’t panic, though! It doesn’t mean you’re a full-blown Narcissist. 

A lot of the things we do in self-protection can be placed in categories of personality disorder types, but just because that momentary behavior fits into a specific category doesn’t mean that you have a disorder. You could probably identify with multiple categories of personality disorder tendencies, depending on the circumstances and your unique history. Trauma necessitates that our brains automatically help us to protect ourselves, resulting in some coping strategies that often aren’t pretty. PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED AND DYNAMIC. Even if you do experience Narcissistic abuse from someone, they may not be a Narcissist, through and through - which leads us to the UTTER CONFUSION about what to with what you’re perceiving.

Indicators of Abuse

Perhaps one of the biggest hallmarks of Narcissistic abuse is the feeling that you are “crazy” and cannot trust your perception of reality. “Gaslighting” was recently the most searched term on Google for a reason. Light has been shed on an unconscious tactic used within emotionally abusive relationships, which serves to maintain control over someone through confusion and crazy-making. Now, I do see this happen in relationships that are relatively healthy. Couples and individual therapy can help both partners to reduce the degree to which they engage in this by addressing past trauma and increasing emotional intimacy with one another. The distinction with an abusive relationship is that the gaslighter ISN’T WILLING TO BE ACCOUNTABLE at all. This would be an ongoing pattern with little to no self-awareness on their part.

Another hallmark is chronically feeling inferior. The marker for what would make you acceptable keeps moving. The rules keep changing. Likely, there are also plenty of hurtful digs taken at your character, appearance, habits, etc. In my experience, the partner with Narcissistic tendencies may also display a grandiose point of view of themselves - this does not need to be related to appearance! Personally, I’ve experienced partners being grandiose about their worldviews, lifestyle, ideals, etc. One indication of this could be that this person often seems agitated at others who do not view the world the same way or live the same way that they do. They may go on tangents about the inferiority of others’ beliefs or lifestyles. They may idolize people who, to them, represent the ideal within whatever realm of life it is that they’re fixated on. You may find yourself nodding along to lengthy monologues about their beliefs. DON’T OVERLOOK THIS, especially if this is a love interest in the early stages of dating.

A Quick Word About People-Pleasing

Let’s pause a moment to address PEOPLE-PLEASING. Often, victims of Narcissistic abuse are people-pleasers. Synonymous with the term “enablers”. Can you guess where I’m going with this? Think about what I just mentioned about those tangents of grandiosity. A people-pleaser may appease this person by nodding along, even long after you’ve glazed over with boredom, even if you think they’re talking about NON-SENSE. In doing so, you ENABLE this person to feel like the only important, all-knowing person in the room - because you’ve, essentially, told them so by passively appeasing their needs. 

Why would we do that? If we take a closer look at what makes someone a people-pleaser, we usually find a fear of abandonment (a fear I already identified as an origin of Narcissistic behaviors). The difference is that the coping strategy manifests as being ultra-agreeable rather than being a bully in an attempt to avoid injury. When we oblige the ego-centric needs of Narcissistic others, I like to call this “unconscious accommodating”. I use this word because it includes accommodating the needs of someone else automatically, without thought, regardless of it the need/opinion aligns with your values or needs. It’s so rehearsed that you may barely even notice it. The primary goal is to keep the other person interested in YOU rather than to determine if you are fully interested in THEM. I work extensively with many of clients on processing the trauma associated with this and correcting the pattern. 

More Hallmarks of Narcissistic Abuse

Lack of empathy is another big one. This encompasses a lot of the experiences of victims. It includes the Narcissistic person being unable to empathize with others when they’re in a fit of rage, which may even lead to physical violence. It includes an inability to empathize with the needs of others, either in general or when they are feeling particularly self-absorbed about a goal or desire driven by self-interest. Lack of empathy also shows up if they make every conversation about themselves, especially when you are trying to express feelings or needs. If asked to be accountable, the Narcissistic person will likely not be able to empathize with your feelings and will, instead, consider themselves a victim - you’ve made them feel like a flawed, bad person, and attending to their hurt feelings becomes the priority of the interaction. 

That last one shows up a lot in my work with clients who feel that they have a Narcissistic parent or parents. The roles were often reversed throughout childhood, setting the stage for children to learn that others’ feelings and needs are more important than their own, and their own feelings are INVALID. Let’s not forget the competitiveness that is seen in Narcissistic parents via constant comparisons to what their peers have. They may consider their children more as objects who help them check off boxes of perfection than as unique, autonomous, inherently valuable individuals. 

It All Comes Down to Control

The need for control is laced throughout everything I’ve just described.  Essentially, there is need for control in their relational dynamics in order to avoid rejection/abandonment/social isolation. Because of relational trauma in the form of neglect, rejection, criticism, or abandonment, Narcissistic individuals often rely on objective achievements or possessions to feel worthy, and they rely on PREDICTABLE relationships in which they feel SUPERIOR. What better way to guarantee that they won’t have to suffer a loss? In a healthy relationship of equals, EACH PERSON IS MORE EQUIPPED FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF LOSING THE OTHER. They can disagree with each other and withstand the ebbs and flows of disagreements without much panic about the stability of the relationship. Traumatized individuals, such as those with Narcissistic tendencies, are far less equipped.

The more you are your authentic self, the more the Narcissist may push you to “get back in line” so that they can feel safe again. As long as you align with them and function in their shadow, the relationship can feel stable. If you’d like to perform a stress test on any relationship in which you suspect Narcissistic tendencies, be transparent about your opinions, interests, etc. and take notice of how they respond. Most importantly, reach out to a therapist to gain clarity and to heal if you struggle with Narcissistic dynamics in any relationship. It is possible to change relational patterns for yourself!